Avengers Story:To Infinity War & Beyond
by The Other Jet Engine
Summary: Avengers Toy Story AU. Yes, really.
1. A Sad, Strange Little Man

**Ollo, everybody! As you can judge by the title, this is an Avengers Toy Story AU, but I'm completely ignoring the third Toy Story movie and taking a quite different take on how the Avengers ended up in Star-Lord's hands.**

 **~Phil Coulson Story Arc~**

 **Part 1:Our Stories  
Part 2:Rescue Mission **

**~Peter Quill Story Arc~**

 **Part 3:Collision Course  
Part 4:To Infinity War & Beyond**

* * *

 _You've Got A Friend In Me-Randy Newman_

 _You've got a friend in me,_

 _You've got a friend in me,_

 _When the road looks rough ahead,_

 _And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed,_

 _You just remember what your old pal said,_

 _Boy, you've got a friend in me,_

 _Yeah, you've got a friend in me._

 _You've got a friend in me,_

 _You've got a friend in me,_

 _You've got troubles, and I've got 'em too,_

 _There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you,_

 _We stick together and we see it through,_

 _'Cause you've got a friend in me,_

 _You've got a friend in me._

 _Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am,_

 _Bigger and stronger too, maybe,_

 _But none of them will ever love you the way I do,_

 _It's me and you, boy._

 _And as the years go by,_

 _Our friendship will never die,_

 _You're gonna see, it's our destiny,_

 _You've got a friend in me,_

 _You've got a friend in me,_

 _You've got a friend in me._

The news hit Steve like a Tonka truck:Phil's birthday party was today. He'd been so preoccupied getting everyone ready for the that he'd completely forgotten about this. That was okay. He could handle this.

As soon as Phil finished the latest installment of their game(ending in a cliffhanger with Loki and Hamm trapping Rhodey in an Axis weapons factory), Steve clambered across the bed and onto Phil's desk. He stood up, cupped his hands around his mouth, and bellowed, "STAFF MEETING, EVERYBODY!"

No one heard him. They never did. He'd have to get Thor's help. But first, he'd have to find him.

First, Steve checked by Phil's half-sister Darcy's crib. Thor wasn't there, but his younger brother, Loki, was climbing out from between the bars, his plastic hair still shiny with spit.

"Six and up. Ages six and up. It's on my box! I should not be babysitting Princess Drool!" Loki grumbled as he slid down the crib's front left leg. "Oh, hello, Captain." He slung his arm around Steve's shoulders and spoke softly. "Listen, I was wondering if you've begun to put in a good word for me with Phil like we talked about. Now I know every good story needs a proper villain, but I'll never live up to the high standard Hamm has set with his Evil Dr. Porkchop—"

"Hey, thanks, Loki-buddy!" Hamm said as he passed by.

"And perhaps instead of being an evil sorcerer, I could be the daring and brave sorcerer who swoops in to save the day when a much-too-powerful villain kidnaps all of the Avengers. And what with the birthday party today, we might get a toy who could be a new villain—a proper rival for Evil Dr. Porkchop."

"You knew about the party?" Steve asked, shocked that a toy Phil never played with on its own would be keeping track of this.

"You can learn a lot if you listen closely enough, Captain. Surely Phil's very, very favorite toy was completely ready to welcome some new friends, weren't you?" Loki gave Steve a sneaky grin and patted his shoulder.

"You know I am, Loki. Now, I need to find your brother."

Loki scowled. "Yes, everyone always needs Thor. No one ever needs Loki, all because of some blasted comic books!"

Hamm clopped past them again. "Eh, don't worry about it, Trickster! I'm a lot more limited than you—as a Bond villain knockoff, I can only be Chaotic Evil. You can always play up the Chaotic Neutral and Chaotic Good parts of your character alignment."

Loki turned to Hamm. "Really? I hadn't thought of that."

"Oh yeah," Hamm began as he led Loki away from Steve. "You're the most flexible of all of us. Cap's stuck at Neutral Good and so are the other Avengers. But you—you got options, baby."

"Thank you, Hamm," Steve mouthed before the piggy bank strolled around the crib's corner with an attentive Loki in tow.

"Who do you think put him up to it?" Nat said as she strolled up to Steve.

"Oh, h-h-hey, Nat," Steve stammered. "I, uh, well, I, uh, I owe you one."

She smiled. "Yes, I suppose you do. Stop by my shoebox later and we can discuss a method of repayment." She walked away, waving.

"Uh, yeah, okay! See you then!" Steve called out. He stood there for a few moments, slightly dazed, until an arrow landed at his feet. He looked up and saw Clint and a Barbie named Laura crawling out of the desk drawer, where Phil had left them.

"You looking for Thor?" Clint asked, swinging his legs up over the drawer's edge. "He's hiding behind the Legos, right next to the giant snakes. You can't miss 'im."

"Okay, thanks, Clint," Steve answered, making his way past the Fisher-Price village towards the Legos. "And how are you doing, Laura?"

She laughed. "Phil said he's gonna marry me off to Clint tomorrow."

"Great to hear it!"

Steve stood outside the fortress that the Legos had just constructed out of themselves and he waited, letting the rubber snakes slither around his feet. A red-and-black snake with yellow eyes began to curl up his right leg when—

BAM!

Thor burst through the fortress's front wall, scattering Legos everywhere. He flung out his arms, thrust Mjolnir up towards the ceiling, and roared in Steve's face.

"WHAT TREACHEROUS KNAVE DARES INVADE MY NOBLE REALM?!" Thor bellowed, waving his arms some more and knocking Steve's helmet off his head. "RUN FOR THE HILLS, YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF FILTH, OR FEEL THE WRATH OF THOR ODINSON, CROWN PRINCE OF ASGARD!"

"Hi, Thor," Steve said flatly.

"What did you think, Captain? Did I strike terror into your heart?" Thor's eyes were wide and pleading.

Steve shrugged. "There were inklings of terror."

"I hope so. I'm a competent fighter, it's true, but I need a terrifying demeanor in order to fully become this realm's fiercest warrior."

"I'm sure you can do it, buddy." Steve lowered his voice. "But right now, I need your help."

"Is this about the birthday party today?" Thor shook with excitement.

Steve raised an eyebrow. "How did you—"

"My brother told me this morning, of course."

Steve sighed. Why wasn't he on the ball today? "This has something to do with that. A bit. I need you to call a staff meeting for me."

"Oh, is that all? I'm always happy to oblige you, Captain." Thor climbed up to the top of the desk and shouted. "CITIZENS OF PHIL'S BEDROOM! OUR GOOD CAPTAIN REQUESTS YOUR PRESENCE AT A STAFF MEETING! YOUR COOPERATION WOULD BE MUCH APPRECIATED AND REWARDED! THANK YOU AND GOOD DAY!"

Everyone stopped dead in their tracks and immediately shuffled over to the upside-down bucket that served as a podium. Phil's Fisher-Price tape player hopped over and Steve took its microphone.

"Is this on? Can everybody hear me?" Steve watched a sea of little heads nod as the feedback pierced the air. "Great. First off, I'd like to start today's meeting by letting you know how pleased we all were with the great turn out for Mr. Spell's seminar on 'What To Do If You Or Part Of You Is Swallowed'. Let's give Mr. Spell a round of applause for putting that together."

The sound of lukewarm applause skittered throughout the room and Mr. Spell said a robotic "thank you."

"I could have used that seminar two weeks ago, when Darcy ate my helmet!" Loki interjected.

"You got it back a couple of days later," Hamm reminded him, snickering.

"Anyway, next point of business:Has everybody picked a moving buddy?"

"Moving buddy?" Loki asked.

"I didn't know we should have chosen someone already!" Thor said hurriedly.

"CLINT! My moving buddy is Clint!" Natasha shouted, grabbing the archer's arm. "Someone write that down."

All of the other toys started jabbering in a state of minor panic, glancing at each other to see if they weren't the only buddy-less toy left.

"Okay, okay, everybody," Steve told them, motioning for them to calm down. "I'm bringing it up now so we can all stay together when the time comes. We only have one week before the move. I don't want any toys left behind!"

"We could leave Loki behind," Natasha said.

Loki glowered at her. "Shut your disproportionate mouth, you mewling—"

"Steve, is that it or are we standing around for something else?" Clint asked, looking up towards the windowsill where he'd rather be perched.

Steve ducked his head down. "Our final point of business is that Phil's birthday party has been moved to today."

The early panic increased tenfold. The Hot Wheels cars raced around in circles, the snakes tied themselves into a giant knot, and everyone else shrieked, wondering whether or not they'd be headed for the attic. Or worse:the dump. He distinctly heard a "HULK SMASH NEW TOYS" from Hulk.

"What if he gets another warrior figure, a frightening one?!" Thor wondered, stamping his feet and pulling his hair.

"Guys! Guys! Every Christmas and birthday we go through this:nobody is getting replaced. This is Phil we're talking about. He wouldn't do that to us. We are going to welcome some new friends today, and we will all be fine. And no, Hulk, you won't smash anyone."

"Easy for you to say:you've been Phil's favorite since preschool!" Clint pointed out.

"Even so, I can tell you right now that we're overreacting over nothing. We'll just have to wait and see what Phil's friends give him." Steve kept his voice steady and ignored the other shout.

"It looks like we won't have to wait very long..." Clint began, now in his windowsill perch. "...'cause THEY'RE HERE!"

All of the toys who were physically able to climb scrambled up to the sill and desk and crowded as close to the edge as they could while the rest leaned up again the wall below. Steve managed to squeeze to the front, as did Thor, Loki, Hamm, Hulk, and Natasha.

"Are there any warrior-shaped presents?" Thor blurted out.

"They're all in boxes, you idiot!" Hamm snapped.

Blinky, the plastic bionoculars, offered himself to Steve and Thor, who each grabbed an end. Hulk smooshed his face into the middle.

"Oh, look, a small one," Steve observed. Then the person carrying it turned and revealed that the box was very, very long. "Or not."

"I can't take this tension, Captain!" Thor exclaimed.

Hulk slammed Blinky onto the desk. "HULK WANT TO KNOW WHAT IN THE BOXES!"

All of the toys looked to Steve. He scanned the room and noticed five familiar heads.

"COMMANDOS!" Steve called. "I've got a mission for you!"

"What is it, Captain Rogers?" Lieutenant Falsworth asked from the middle of the crowd. The others weren't far behind him.

"I need you to plan a reconaissance mission—find out what's in those presents," Steve said firmly.

"Absolutely, sir. I'm sure we'll think of something." Falsworth pulled Jones, Dugan, Morita, and Dernier aside and they formed a huddle. Steve remembered how Phil collected them one by one with his allowance. He didn't get a Bucky figure, but Steve was pretty sure Phil was still saving up for one. That'd be nice—a proper second in command. Falsworth's voice snapped him out of his brief reverie. "We have a plan, sir. It's hasty, but it should work."

Steve rubbed his hands together. "Alright, good job, guys. Let's get to work!"

The Commandos marched over and grabbed Darcy's baby monitor. They marched downstairs, but Dugan and Jones soon returned with the monitor's receiver, which Phil and Darcy's mother must have brought down to the kitchen with her earlier. Thor and Loki grabbed a jump rope and Clint and Natasha helped pull the receiver up to the desk. Steve turned it on. They were ready.

"Mother Bird, this is Nest Egg. Come in, Mother Bird." Falsworth's voice crackled through the receiver.

"We can hear you loud and clear, Falsworth. Can't we, guys?" Steve looked to the crowd, and they nodded and whispered amongst themselves.

"We have the first present. It looks like...bed sheets."

"Who invited that child?" Loki wondered.

"The second present is...a lunchbox."

"FOR LUNCH. HULK LIKE LUNCH."

And so they recited the presents one by one, followed each time by a snide remark back in Phil's bedroom. No major arrivals—mostly objects, not toys. Still, Steve kept hoping someone might give Phil a Winter Soldier action figure. It was highly unlikely, but still possible.

"And the last present is...a rubber duck."

"...Why?" Clint, Natasha, and Peggy asked at once.

"Alright, everybody, let's pack it in," Steve told the crowd. They all began to shuffle away when Falsworth's voice crackled through the receiver again.

"It looks like Mother has pulled a surprise present from the closet! Phil's opening it now! He's extremely excited! It's—"

A jolt of fear and excitement ran through Steve. Winter Soldier. Winter Soldier. Winter Soldier. Pleasepleaseplease.

"They're all crowding around Phil, and it's a...it's a—"

"For Odin's sake, TELL US!" Thor shook the desk's left leg and the receiver tumbled to the floor. The batteries popped out. Clint and Natasha hurried to put them back in. By the time they did, it was too late.

"Mother Bird, Phil is coming. I repeat, Phil is coming."

"Everyone in your positions! NOW!" Steve ordered. He leaped back to his usual spot on the bed.

Phil and his friends ran up the stairs—Steve could hear their thundering footsteps. The door burst open and they rushed in. Suddenly, Steve felt his body get flung up against the wall and slide down in to the dark abyss beneath the bed. He just kept moving towards the light at the edge, hoping to reach the rest of the room. When he did, he stayed put until Phil and the other boys ran back downstairs for cake.

"Captain!" Thor called, his head tilted upward. "Who joins you up there?"

"Oh, hey, guys," Steve said quickly.

"Captain, whatever were you doing down there?"

Steve brushed himself off. "Uh, things got shuffled up there. They're so rambunctious, too much sugar and all."

"Did somebody get...replaced?" Hamm asked.

"I do believe you're right, Dr. Porkchop," Loki answered, elbowing Hamm playfully.

"No. I haven't been replaced. There's just been a slight mix-up." Steve couldn't be replaced. He couldn't. Piggy banks and bad guys were a dime a dozen, but Steve had gotten Phil through who knows how many sick days and his father's death and then his mom's recent divorce from Darcy's father. Stuff like that couldn't be replaced, no matter how bright and shiny this newcomer might be. Steve told himself that as he climbed back up the bedpost.

The newcomer on the bed was not a Winter Soldier action figure. He was red-and-gold and robotic. Steve recognized him from TV commercials he'd glimpsed when he was alone with Phil:the Invincible Iron Man. Another comic book superhero.

"Uh, hi," Steve began. "Welcome to Phil's bedroom. It's great to have you here, but there's been some sort of mix-up because this is my spot. It's always been my spot."

"Wait, what?" Iron Man lifted the front of his helmet up and looked at Steve's uniform. "Oh, Army. You guys are great customers. Love the star and stripes. Name's Tony Stark, and this is the Iron Man Mark 46 suit."

"Uh, that's great. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to introduce you to the others." He could play nice. Yes, he could.

"So are you the new liaison? Don't get me wrong, the army's been great to me in the past, but the government is not getting their hands on this suit. I'll have Pepper send them another memo."

"Who?"

"Best secretary you could ever ask for. Great in the sack, too. Don't tell her I said that, though. She'd frown at us and the shame levels would go through the roof."

Steve blinked. "I don't really know what you're—"

"Steve, aren't you going to introduce us?" Loki asked as he climbed up the comforter.

"Oh, right. Iron Man, meet Loki Odinson, one of Phil's other toys."

Iron Man grabbed Loki by the shoulders. "Whoa, you look fantastic! I love this goth-rocker-meets-Johnny-Weir-in-hell look! You have to give me your hairdresser's name, I'll have Pepper make a note of it."

Loki glanced at Steve. "I'm sorry, what?"

"You're right, we'll discuss that later."

Now Thor made his way up the bed. "OH NO! IT IS ANOTHER WARRIOR! I CAN'T HANDLE THE COMPETITION!" He crawled under the comforter and Steve could hear giant sobs.

"I know a ton of great therapists if he needs a recommendation," Iron Man said to Steve.

"No, you don't. You're a toy," Steve corrected.

Iron Man smirked. "I believe the term your looking for is 'billionaire playboy philanthropist.'"

"No, I'm really not."

"Oh, this is going to be wonderful," he heard Loki murmur beneath Thor's sobbing.

Maybe it would. This guy could come around. At least that's what Steve told himself. Everything would go back to normal. Phil had done this a hundred times before, and he'd always come back to Steve. There was no reason things would be different this time. And he could still get a Winter Soldier action figure. Because there was always Christmas. Because nothing was going to go wrong. He wouldn't let it. And no delusional cyborg-wannabe was going to get in his way.


	2. Ain't No Flying Toy

Yeah. It's Iron Man.

Steve knows logically that he should be thrilled. His namesake's comic books are filled with the adventures of Captain America and Iron Man, teammates, allies, friends. Hell, the Leyenar Oh movies even featured them as lovers!

He _should_ be excited, but he's not.

Instead he's got this weird, itchy feeling under his skin that he doesn't like as he watches the other toys flutter around Iron Man, call me Tony, in excitement. They all _ooh_ and _aah_ appropriately as Tony shows them various features. He has blinking lights, sound effects, his helmet flips back to reveal a smirky face underneath.

Steve looks down at himself. All of his joints move, sure, but he's getting a little stiff with age, his uniform not as bright as it once was. Tony is _shiny_ and has that new plastic smell.

Steve knows he's being completely ridiculous. He's usually jazzed about new toys, is the original welcome wagon, going out of his way to make them feel safe and accepted. It's jarring to find yourself in a whole new environment surrounded by strangers and Steve has always prided himself on making the transition from packaging to room life as easy as possible.

Steve needs to get over himself, forget the day's events because it obviously put him in a bad head space, not really prepared for just how...new and fancy Tony is.

Steve squares his shoulders and strides forward, planning to put on a happy grin and an enthusiastic welcome but as he gets closer he can hear what Tony is saying and he stumbles to a stop.

"Yeah, armor must have gotten more banged up than I realized in transit. I don't know why I can't get it to release. Plus, the repulsors must be damaged because they're not firing. It's really odd. I'm going to need a workspace, some tools. There doesn't seem to be any dings but maybe the connections have been fused together somehow."

Most of the toys are watching Tony in fascination, even Natasha looks a little flushed.

"Who wants to help me put a workshop together?" Tony asks the assembled group and Steve, who's halted right next to Clint, darts out a hand and smacks down Clint's enthusiastically waving wing.

"Ow, what?" Clint hisses.

"Is he _kidding_?" Steve grunts back.

"About what?"

"The whole..." Steve gestures at the entirety of Tony's being as Tony gathers volunteers and then leads them towards the furthest corner of the room, talking the whole way. Steve turns slowly back to Clint because he can feel Clint's assessing gaze.

"Oh my goodness, you're _jealous_."

"I am not," Steve says immediately, affronted.

"You _are_. There's finally someone who has the chance to dethrone you as favorite and it's driving you crazy."

"You're crazy," Steve huffs, then points across the room at Tony, who is sending his small group scattering throughout the room in search of god knows what. " _He's_ crazy."

"It's okay. It's actually nice to know that you aren't completely perfect," Clint says gently.

"Argh!" Steve manages intelligently, then stalks away.

* * *

Phil takes Tony to school again the next day. When he returns, Steve watches the toys gather around him, chattering excitedly. Steve glances morosely at the toy box he'd spent the night in, Tony tucked snugly under Phil's arm in his place.

Natasha had tried to reassure him. "Phil's just excited because he's new."

Steve didn't want to hear it.

He's not pouting, but Tony trying to steal his shield when he's busy not pouting is the final straw.

"Put that down!" Steve snaps, stalking towards Tony who grins and waves.

"Hey, hi! You're the very well proportioned soldier who's been avoiding me. I like the whole...stars and stripes thing you have going on. Very patriotic and especially flattering to the derriere."

Steve doesn't have to ask what a derriere is because he can guess just from where Tony's gaze has wandered. "Give me the shield," Steve grits through his teeth. It's a point of pride he still has it, usually accessories are the first things to be Lost for a toy. Phil is extra careful though, always makes sure Steve has the shield hooked over his arm when he's set down, leaves it in the bedroom if he takes Steve Outside or Downstairs.

"But I neeeeeed it," Tony says in a plaintive tone. "I'm still stuck in this armor and I'd really like—"

"Oh that's enough," Steve snaps. "Your adoring fans might be fond of your little act but I'm really not impressed." Steve blinks a little, startled at himself. He's never been so...angry. He doesn't like what's happening to him. He immediately opens his mouth to apologize but Tony beats him.

"You're a very irate little guy, aren't you?"

"I'm bigger than you," Steve immediately retorts, all common sense and politeness fleeing him in the face of Tony's ridiculousness.

"Listen, I'll have this back to you, good as new. I just really need to find out what's wrong with my armor."

Steve glares at Tony but Tony just watches him back mildly, and then something clicks. "Wait, what?"

"I can't get my armor to release," Tony says slowly, like he's talking to a dim bulb which, rude, but also, what?

"That's because it's painted on," Steve says, equally slowly.

"Yeah, practically," Tony huffs, doing a little spin in place. "I made it to fit properly for aerodynamic purposes, plus I have fabulous assets to show off."

"You made... wait. Are you actually... do you really think...?" Steve breathes for a moment, before he cracks into hysterics. "Oh my god," he manages.

"Are you alright?" Tony asks, sounding unsettled.

"Who do you think you are, seriously? Do you actually think you're the real Tony Stark?"

"Unless I've been replaced by a devastatingly handsome clone, yes," Tony confirms, completely serious and Steve collapses on the ground, guffawing. He shouldn't have been jealous of Tony, he should've been pitying him. Feeling sorry for the poor, delusional toy who'd obviously received one too many knocks while in the packaging.

The only thing that stops Steve's hysterics cold is when he notices some of the toys gathered at the window that looks out onto Obie's yard.

Obadiah Stane lived next door to Phil and his mom and has been a source of terror for Phil's toys for a long time, not because of what he's done to any of them but what they've witnessed him do to other toys. A gathering at that particular window only ever means one thing.

"So can I use this?" Tony calls after Steve as he scrambles to his feet and up the side of the desk to reach the window. Tony follows. "What are we looking at?"

"Nothing that would interest you, just us toys," Steve huffs.

Obie's backyard is a barren wasteland of burnt grass and patches of blackened dirt. There's an unused sand box that has half-buried figures poking out of it and a stagnant fish pond that hasn't seen anything living in years. Obie himself is sitting in the middle of the yard, cross-legged, working on something. When he sets it down, Steve groans.

"Oh cool, Superman," Tony remarks, Steve shrugging him off when Tony leans on him to get a better look. "What's he got attached to him. Wait, that looks like—"

"It's an explosive," Steve says.

"He'll be fine though, right? That's Superman," Tony says and Steve closes his eyes, rubs a tired hand over his face.

"That's a Superman toy," he says, slowly. "He's about to—"

"Heads up!" Clint calls and everyone ducks for cover. There's a whump and then the sound of Obie's cackling. Steve picks himself up, checks the other gathered toys who all look shaken but fine. Natasha is standing by the edge of the window, hands clasped into fists.

"We're not going to be near anyone like that anymore after the move, right?"

The news of the move had been scary at first, but also a relief. Phil's room was a safe place, but it was hard being powerless when faced with such wanton destruction only next door.

Steve's eyes catch on Tony who's moved to the window beside Natasha, looking stricken. Steve can see over the edge and down, the disturbed earth where Superman was standing and how there's nothing there anymore, not a trace of him. "If only my armor—" Tony starts to say but Steve cut him off, furious.

"Just...don't," he spat, turning away. _Curse you, Leyenar Oh!_ he thought. _If only she was a Stucky shipper..._

 _Strange Things-Randy Newman_

 _I was on top of the world, living high,_

 _It was right in my pocket,_

 _I was living the life,_

 _Things were just the way they should be,_

 _When from out of the sky like a bomb comes some little punk in a rocket,_

 _Now all of a sudden, some strange things are happening to me._

 _I had friends,_

 _I had lots of friends,_

 _Now all my friends are gone._

 _And I'm doing the best I can to carry on,_

 _I had power, (power)_

 _I was respected, (respect)_

 _But not anymore._

 _And I've lost the love to the one whom I adored,_

 _Let me tell you about the strange things are happening to me._

 _Strange things,_

 _Strange things are happening to me,_

 _Ain't no doubt about it._

 _You got someone you think you know well,_

 _It turns out a stranger,_

 _The minute you turn your back,_

 _You're in it all by yourself._

 _They laugh at your jokes,_

 _You think you're doing quite well?_

 _But you're in danger, boy,_

 _You end up alone, forgotten, way up on the shelf._

 _Strange things are happening to me,_

 _Strange things,_

 _Strange things are happening to me,_

 _Ain't no doubt about it._

 _Strange things are happening to me,_

 _Strange things,_

 _Strange things are happening to me,_

 _Strange things,_

 _Strange things..._


End file.
